Wonderful Meaningful Full circle Wonderful

I have been extremely busy this last week and a half or so. I remember that just about each day has been eventful, but I can not really remember in what way.

Last Wednesday I went with Jenn and Sam to go to a Kina Grannis concert. On our way there we encountered a crosswalk with about 2 seconds remaining for the countdown. So I walked across and Jenn and Sam did as well. When we go across these two Transit Police peeps came over to us and gave us all $100 jaywalking citations. How freaking crazy is that?? It is a civil citation, so it won't show up on any record. But still, $100 is freaking hefty for jaywalking.  After we got the citation we were told that we could go to a public safety class for an hour and pay $25 instead and it would be cleared up. So that is what we are all doing. So next Tuesday night at 6pm I will be watching a safety video and taking it seriously. I mean people die jaywalking all the time... Gosh. The concert though was great though. I really like Kina Grannis, she has a wonderful voice and her songs are amazing. It is nice to hear music that is lyrically stimulating as well as vocally stimulating. Imaginary Friend opened for her. He was great as well. 

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked. 

I talked to my mom on the phone Sunday for Mother's day. It was a great chat.  (:

Monday (yesterday)- I met up with Sam at Coffee Garden to grab an ice coffee, and then we went to the park to go sunbathing. After we did that we went back to my place and chilled for a bit before I had to go to work. On the way to work we stopped at Subway, and got food. Which was really freaking good, and I was so hungry. Then Sam walked me to work. Then I go into work to find out my shift was cut. So I called Sam up and asked if he wanted to hang out because they cut my shift. To which he said "Hell yeah, you are super awesome, I would love to hang out with you! Why would you even ask such a silly question??"   Okay, so what he really said was "sure", but what I heard in my head was the "Hell yeah" one. So we walked back to my place so that I could change into clothes and then went back to the park. After that we hit up 7 Eleven. He wanted to go back, but I really did not, so we went for a walk to Downtown. We walked to the Temple Square at like 230 or so in the morning. We spent so long over there just talking and looking at things. Then we walked up to the capital building. It was beautiful, there is a picture below. It was really late at that point so we walked back to my place. We got there are 5am or so. But we spent pretty much 12 to 13 hours together and it felt like it was just a few hours.

Today- I woke up at 2pm and chatted with Elissa on the phone a bit. I got ready for the day and ate and all that jazz. Then Sam came over a bit past 3pm and we headed to Murray, Utah. I got my voucher from SJV for two new pairs of scrubs and so Sam said he would take me to the place, because he has been there before. So I got my new scrubs, they are a wine color. The ones I have now in black are an XL. So I thought that is what I would need. I tried on the XL pants and shirt in the new ones and they were so big. So I got Large instead. And the best parts are that my shirts have front pockets, I have more pockets, and they were free! After we left there we journeyed our way to Red Lobster. It was so good. Like amazing. I could not eat it all. We got calamari for a starter. And I got a crab linguini alfredo with shrimp and he got the chef's lobster shrimp pasta thing. It was just so good. And they kept the drinks coming. And our server seemed pretty cool. Great weather, wonderful food, and amazing company were the things that made today kick ass. 

All and all I have had a wonderful past few days. And even though I have been working a crap load. Last week I had a 60 hour work week. I am still having a blast. 

Capital Building at night. 

Because this blog is more of an update on my activities there will be another one posted tomorrow about my inner thoughts and feelings of late. 

Whirlwind...

As you may have noticed, I have changed the layout of my blog. The last background I had was of a vehicle driving forward on an open stretch of road that seemed to last forever. At the time of this blog creation I related to that photo very much. I was moving towards unknown endless possibilities. There was an open road that could go anywhere. I am not saying that my life can longer go anywhere, or that I am not still on that road. I still believe that I am that road, and I still moving forward. But this background is one that I find myself relating to more right now.

First off, it is yellow. That is so a given. For me yellow is the color of joy and optimism. Yellow is inviting. It the color that engulfs me in a blanket of warmth. I cannot look at that color without just smiling on the inside. Generally I smile on the outside as well.

And the read streaks running every which way through it also mean something to me. My life feels like it is full of paths I can follow. They all lead to different things, and intersect each other at different points and in different ways. There is so many red lines that just looking at them can be confusing. But when you look at on line, and follow it, you see there are many turning points. Some parts are broad, and full of moving room, while other areas are more defined.

This is my life right now. I have so many paths in front of me. I have so many choices. Any one of them will lead me a certain way. And it is all so confusing, because the possibilities are endless, and I could change lines at any intersection. The path will go anywhere I choose. And I always have the option of taking a new one. I am in a broad part of my life. I have room to move and do my own thing for a bit. But I can see that there is an intersection up ahead. I am not really sure which way I will head. For me, this is where I will be in a year from now. And whatever I decide, I know that for a while my life will become more narrow. I will have to follow that path until a new one comes along. In life I have learned that you cannot really go back, without losing your sanity. Things are never as you left them. You can never have what you had. The only real solution someone has is moving forward. Which is what I am doing. Maybe I am not going as fast as the people around me, but I am moving. A good comparison is to think of it as a river, it seems to move faster when the banks narrow, and slow down when there is more space.

That is where I am. Moving ever so slightly to a choice that I will have to be ready to make in about a year. While I want to be prepared to make the choice that I think will best suit me, I do not want to lose sight of the moment. I have a hard time balancing those two. I either live too much in the moment, or get lost in the future. Plus, I have no way to really know what will suit me in a year, I only know what will suit me now. While I am steadfast in some aspects. I am malleable in others. For the most part I am more malleable than steadfast.

* * *

I was talking to my friend Jess about this (being malleable) once actually. I told her that sometimes I wonder if I am ever really myself around anyone. I seemed to be different around different people. That I wondered if it meant that I did not have an identity, and I just fed off other people's. She told me that she thinks it is wonderful that I can find a way to form around a situation and the people in it. That I have a way of being what people need me to be. She said she doesn't see it as being fake, or having a facade... That all those things seem to be in me, but at times some are more dominating than others. She said that when I was with another friend I was more of a nerd... and when I was with her I was more bubbly and like sunshine. But she could still notice some nerd in me, even though it did not come out as naturally when she was there, it was still always there. At the end she told me that I am not really lying to anyone about who I am, I just let other people's personality bring out qualities in mine that suit theirs well. Which is why I get along with so many people. She called it a gift...

* * *

So in situations where nothing is set in stone or with people I am malleable.

On the other hand. I am more steadfast when my values are being compromised. When I make a promise I do everything in my power to keep it. When I really want something, I do not stop until I have it, or I decided for some reason that I no longer want it (which rarely happens).

Because I do not have a concrete plan for myself in year, I am going to be able to adapt to any path. Therefore I think I will be alright...

So I am not sure if this has all stayed on topic, because I am just going with the flow of my brain. What it all comes down to is that I no longer see the future full of unknown possibilities. I see a future full of detailed possibilities, and any path ahead; I have the power to choose which one to take. 

Died My Hair! Mini Update.

Died My Hair

My hair is still red. Now it is darker. I do not plan on it staying this dark, because the sun will lighten it out. I have three photos that are the originals. Then the same three edited. 

I am overly happy in this, but it is the picture that is truest to my hair color.

I just really like this one. And if I was in the sunlight,  I bet it would look similar to this.

This one is not as true to the color as the first. But it is still a wonderful photo.
My skin color looks good in this.

Contrast meets highlights.
:) 

I love how I look in sepia . I wish I could choose to naturally see everything in this color.
And see in regular color when I want that.

There is something elegant about black and white.
I will admit the picture above would look better in black and white.
But this one did not look as good in sepia.
And let's face it, I am freaking beautiful either way. 

 These are my photo updates. I have a small update for you below. Nothing too special.


Mini Update

Despite the fact that I am going to be super duper tired over the next few days, I am so excited for the money I am going to be making. I have stuff to buy, bills to pay, and I just love having money in my bank account. I am also signing up for a secure credit card at the end of the month.


I just want to say that after writing my last blog post and sleeping I feel so much better. And it is no longer bothering me. Sometimes it is just enough for me to put it out there. Even if the people I want to say it to do not read it. Just saying it is relieving. I spoke with Jenn today over breakfast, and she gave me good advice that I am taking. So if you are worried, please do not be. I know I will be fine. I have to be, because I still have 2/3 of my life left to live. If not longer.

The End!   :)

New Bedroom. Jobs. Random.

Bedroom

Saturday I moved into my new bedroom. Today I finished unpacking and getting everything set up and put away. I don't have a lot to say about it. But I am going to upload some photos for you guys.

As you can see I have an awkward file cabinet.
My plan is to get a room divider and block it off.
Also I have a piano. I am going to try to learn again.

This is the opposite wall from the photo above.
I do not know what to say about this one. 

My bed and Doctor Who posters.
Those purple circles are dry erase.
The one on the left says:
"Allison is the coolest, next to the Doctor that is."
The one on the right says:
"Work hard, and luck will find you -Nick Riley"
I have a third one in the photo below that says:
"You can do anything, but you can't do everything".

This is a cool desk. I put a quilt over the chair.
I have a Miley Cyrus poster, a Kony 2012 poster, a purple circle (mentioned above)
A bear and heart made by Hannah, a Ronald McDonald doll,
my Bruins ticket, a basket from Panama, a white board with my weekly schedule,
a Jesus picture, a picture of Adama (the girl I sponsor in Sierra Leone),
an equality sign, a calendar, and a quote from Elder Oaks.

This is my book case. It has too much stuff to list them all.
But I have a photo frame of people I love, and books and
other stuff, like lotion and a toiletries. 

This is my favorite piece of the room.
It is a beautiful sea foam green. It has my
makeup, Pengs, and my Atlantic Ocean water,
also it has my Doctor Who discs. 

Jobs.

I believe I wrote a while ago updating you guys that I have three jobs. Two CNA jobs and the Art Gallery one. I have worked five shifts at St. Joseph Villa, and one at Arlington Hills. I love my jobs. All three of them. People think working overnights is easy, but it is hard. Maybe it is because I am still new. Once I get a rhythm down I am positive it will become easier.  Working 6am-2pm I think is the hardest. Then 10pm-6am. And the easiest in my opinion is 2pm-10pm. Also this feels like a miracle. I worked an overnight last night, and came home and slept for 2 hours. I took a 20-30 minute nap around 7pm, and now it almost 11pm and I am still awake. I have a feeling all I am going to do tomorrow is sleep. Oh and I am dying my hair tomorrow as well.  

Random.

I am really glad that I have friends in the state of Utah that have my back. I might only have four friends, two of which I hang out with way more than the other two. But when I need something, I know they all have my back. I am really grateful for all of them. Also I know my friends back in Massachusetts have my back as well. Even though they can not physically be there for me, I know that they will be here for me in any way they possibly can. I am grateful that I ended up in a mental hospital in high school. When I got out I knew who my true friends were. Since then, I know, when I make new friends, who is worth keeping around and who is going to be there for me, and who is better as an acquaintance and is just fun to hang out with... I have no doubts that the people I consider my best friends are really the ones who are going to be there through thick and thin. Not everyone has that at my age. I would say I am quite lucky. 

Lately, the past month or so, I have been feeling extremely guilty for everything. I am not sure why... But I have this deep sense of guilt inside of me that I cannot get rid of. And I feel terrible for the smallest things. I am worried that my birth control is affecting my mood. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am not a good person, and so when I think I have done something wrong, and especially when I do something wrong it reinforces that feeling, and I feel like shit. I am slightly nervous that this is going to lead into a depressive state. While I do not try to think about it, because I do not want to let myself believe it will happen, and therefore let it happen, I am aware that it is a possibility. I have been going out of my way to stay positive and not see anything in a negative way, which I am generally super good at. Lately though, it has been more work. I am not sure what to do. I just do not want to get depressed again. I think as long I keep the desire to stay happy and keep taking my medicine I should be fine. 

Hedons and Dolors. Fire and Bricks. Improving or Accepting?

I have been thinking about a few things lately. Two of which I am going to address now.

Firstly, I have been thinking about who I am as a person and as a friend. I have comprised a list of things I may like to change about myself. The thing is, some of those things are things I like and even love about myself. For some reason though, not a lot of other people do.
For instance I love the fact that I talk a lot, and that most of the I talk about nothing important. I like the fact that I react to things, that I care enough to let things that are said and done to me affect how I feel. I like that I am not a zombie anymore, the way I used to be when I was depressed. I feel everything, from joy and relief, to anger and regret. And the best part is when something upsets me, generally I get over it in 30 seconds to a minute. I get angry, I feel it out, which is healthy. I also go a step further, and I do my very best to let go. I like the fact that I call things as I see them. I speak my mind, and value honesty over being socially correct. At the same time I try hard to be respectful. I like that I try to think things out before I hash them out. I do my best to not confront someone while I am upset of processing, because it effects how I approach the person and the situation.

I do not like that people see me as annoying, moody, ill mannered, rude, and think that I do not care about other people. Or at least, I think that is how I come off.

I see all these qualities in myself that I love. I see the good in them, I know why they are some of my favorites. Sometimes though I try to think of how I must come across to other people... People who do not know me, why I do the things I do, so say the things I say. And I think they must see such a terrible young lady. And maybe they are right. Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I have lied to myself saying all of these things are good, because seeing them for what they might be could ruin my the self confidence I spent years building. Or maybe I have lied to myself to keep myself going, and moving forward, without having any self-progression.

Though to be honest. I have a hard time believing either of those two ideas to be true. Because I analyze myself frequently. Every choice I make, I try figure out my motives, why I am really doing what I am doing, what I ultimately hope to gain from it. I try so hard to be honest with myself about what I want from situations and why I do what I do... that I have started to just keep honesty as a policy when it comes to self reflecting.

I do not think I am annoying, I may be an acquired taste, but I am funny and charming. I may get moody, but I am a chick, and I do not hold grudges, if I say I have forgiven you, I have. And I forgive people for even the biggest things. I may be honest, sometimes too honest, but I respect people and I never mean for what I say to be rude. I care so much more for other people than one would realize. I spent years of my life living because I could not handle the emotional pain that my suicide would have put my friends and family through. If I was really that selfish, I would have killed myself, because I was in unbearable pain. Seeing other people sad or upset hurts me. Even worse when it is someone I care about. And given the choice, I would always want to take their share of pain for them, because after going through depression, I know how strong I am. And I would live it all again for the rest of my existence if it meant someone that I love and care for never had to feel anything remotely close.

I think overall my good really outweighs the bad. But sometimes I wonder, am I just lying to myself so well that I am not even aware that I am lying....? The only point made that I know to be as true as the sound of my heart beat is the last one. The rest could be ways for me to make myself feel better, like a coping mechanism that I created over the years.

Because of these qualities (or fallacies) I wonder if I am really fit to be someone's friend. I think I can be a shitty excuse for a friend. And the thing is, I do not really even notice until someone calls me out on it. How horrid is that? It is one thing to be terrible and then recognize that is how you are... but a totally different thing when someone has to point it out before it even occurs to you. I have been so confident, thinking that there is nothing wrong with me, when maybe there is. So maybe my confidence is really not so good for me after all. Maybe I should be a lot less confident and focus on what is wrong so I can improve it. This sort of comes back to the hedons and dolors. A hedon is a unit that measures pleasure and a dolor is a unit that measures pain. The goal is to achieve the greatest amount of pleasure for the greater amount of people. As defined in Utilitarianism. At what point are my words and actions resulting in less hedons of pleasure and more dolors of pain? At the end of the day though, I know who my friends are. I know who will be there when I am on top of the world, and who will be there to lift me from the ruins. I know that all my best friends love me regardless. And I confident that they know that I love them and cherish them more than anything (as well as my family, but that goes without saying). And they are such amazing people, who are all self confident and self respecting enough, I know that would not keep me around if our friendship resulted in dolors.

Is it ever okay for me to choose to give up my self-confidence in order to change something that I think other people see as something negative in me? Where is the line drawn between improving yourself and accepting yourself? Perhaps I have some issues to attend, as do most people. I have negative qualities, that I could change, but I do not know if I want to..What it really comes down to is: Is it wrong that I love my flaws just as much as I love my strengths?


The last thing on my mind is something I have observed that I notice in society, and I am including myself in this...

I have noticed that as a society we do a really good job of tearing down the people we do not like. It seems to me that we would rather see the people we do not care for fail than succeed. Even when their succession will provide the maximum amount of hedons. For some reason if someone we dislike fails, it is like we win. When that is not always the case. For the purposes of what I am writing there is no direct competition between the antagonist (who you dislike) and the protagonist (you). For some reason people get a sense of pleasure when the person they dislike falls down. And I cannot help but wonder where that pleasure comes from. Can we really even call it pleasure? Is it not sick and demented? I do not understand what compels us to want to see another person break down. Is it a part of human nature? If our mind sets changed, would we in fact end up feeling happier knowing that they are doing well, even if it means they are ahead of us? Why is it easier to tear down rather than build up?

*Writer's note. I did not go back and edit this blog other than spelling mistakes. So my thoughts came together while typing as well as before, so if this is hard to follow, that may be why, and I am sorry.

Here Is An Update.

I went on that job interview for Arlington Hills. I go the job there. The position I have is called PRN. Medically speaking that means “as needed”. So I am hired working on call. They will send out an email each week saying these are the hours we need covered. I reply with the hours I can work. Then they may also call me up the day of. I basically get to pick my hours; it will be a nice way to pick up some extra cash.

About an hour after I got home from the interview. I got a call from SJV. They offered me a job as well. I accepted. It is working two overnight shifts a week. I will work 10pm to 6am Saturdays and Sundays. This works out well for me.  Also I am still working at the Art Gallery.

I just have to wait three weeks for my background check to come through at SJV and Arlington.

Three jobs one may ask… I thought the same thing too. But I realized this. The Art Gallery is not open Sundays and Mondays. Therefore I will never have to go to work after working an overnight at SJV. Sundays I will have to push myself an extra few hours to make it through church. I will always now my schedule at SJV, and I get my schedule the Friday before at the Art Gallery, so when I get the email from Arlington I will already know what days I can work.

I will be able to use the money from SJV to pay bills. And whatever pays me the most in a pay period between Arlington and Art Gallery will be put into my savings and the other will be allowed spending socially. Seeing how my social life is getting cut back greatly, I will just put that into savings as well.  

On an ending note, I am happy with how things are turning out. I cannot wait to be working all three jobs. I miss having money…  

To be ashamed, or not to be?

I think I look beautiful in this picture.
:)

Taken directly after, without the scarf.
That is not the only difference. 

Zoom in and add color.
The difference is most definitely noticeable. 

I got this hickey one night that I went to a party. I am not going to give a lot of details. Like the who, when, and where. Because they are not really important. Rather what I want to talk about it something I see in our society that disgusts me. Passing false judgement meant to provoke shame.  

I went with Jenn to Smiths tonight to pick up food. The cashier commented on the hickey. And as we were leaving Jenn said something along the lines of her being embarrassed for me. And why shouldn't she? A hickey is the scarlet letter of the 21st century. It says "I am a harlot, who has no self respect". The thing is though. I am not a harlot, and I have a lot of self respect. Anyone who sees it will undoubtedly think less of me. Many will naturally assume I am putting out. 

I am 19. I am young, I want to go to parties and be care free. I want to make out with a boy I am not in a relationship with. So I get a hickey, I did not have sex with some strange kid I will never see again. 

When typed on a screen it makes so much sense to be like yeah, a hickey from someone is not as bad as having sex with someone you don't know. Though, IF I had sex with him, you would not be able to see it.. There would be no way of knowing without pregnancy. It is nearly impossible to look at someone over the age of 15 and be 100% sure that they are not sexually active. But getting a hickey, it is out there for everyone to see. And somehow that makes it worse...??

I guess I do not understand why there is so much shame in that. Why is a hickey a mark of death? Look at the two photos again. If I posted the first one after having a one night stand, you would be none the wiser from the image. But the second one, the worst is assumed. When all it was, was two young people after making out. Is it just me?? Maybe I am alone in this. Maybe I am misguided. Maybe I am wrong. But I feel no shame in having it on my neck. Though I am not exactly proud. And I do not want to flaunt it. Why should I have to hide it, why is it such a black mark, why do people assume the worst? 

Also I understand covering it up for work or meetings, or any other place that looking professional is expected. But going to the grocery store, or out to a mall, or anywhere else in public that is a casual setting.

People looked at me like I should be ashamed and exiled. The thing is, I know what went down, and what did not. I am not ashamed, or filled with guilt. It was fun, and if given the chance to go back and do things differently, I would not change a thing about that night.