New Bedroom. Jobs. Random.

Bedroom

Saturday I moved into my new bedroom. Today I finished unpacking and getting everything set up and put away. I don't have a lot to say about it. But I am going to upload some photos for you guys.

As you can see I have an awkward file cabinet.
My plan is to get a room divider and block it off.
Also I have a piano. I am going to try to learn again.

This is the opposite wall from the photo above.
I do not know what to say about this one. 

My bed and Doctor Who posters.
Those purple circles are dry erase.
The one on the left says:
"Allison is the coolest, next to the Doctor that is."
The one on the right says:
"Work hard, and luck will find you -Nick Riley"
I have a third one in the photo below that says:
"You can do anything, but you can't do everything".

This is a cool desk. I put a quilt over the chair.
I have a Miley Cyrus poster, a Kony 2012 poster, a purple circle (mentioned above)
A bear and heart made by Hannah, a Ronald McDonald doll,
my Bruins ticket, a basket from Panama, a white board with my weekly schedule,
a Jesus picture, a picture of Adama (the girl I sponsor in Sierra Leone),
an equality sign, a calendar, and a quote from Elder Oaks.

This is my book case. It has too much stuff to list them all.
But I have a photo frame of people I love, and books and
other stuff, like lotion and a toiletries. 

This is my favorite piece of the room.
It is a beautiful sea foam green. It has my
makeup, Pengs, and my Atlantic Ocean water,
also it has my Doctor Who discs. 

Jobs.

I believe I wrote a while ago updating you guys that I have three jobs. Two CNA jobs and the Art Gallery one. I have worked five shifts at St. Joseph Villa, and one at Arlington Hills. I love my jobs. All three of them. People think working overnights is easy, but it is hard. Maybe it is because I am still new. Once I get a rhythm down I am positive it will become easier.  Working 6am-2pm I think is the hardest. Then 10pm-6am. And the easiest in my opinion is 2pm-10pm. Also this feels like a miracle. I worked an overnight last night, and came home and slept for 2 hours. I took a 20-30 minute nap around 7pm, and now it almost 11pm and I am still awake. I have a feeling all I am going to do tomorrow is sleep. Oh and I am dying my hair tomorrow as well.  

Random.

I am really glad that I have friends in the state of Utah that have my back. I might only have four friends, two of which I hang out with way more than the other two. But when I need something, I know they all have my back. I am really grateful for all of them. Also I know my friends back in Massachusetts have my back as well. Even though they can not physically be there for me, I know that they will be here for me in any way they possibly can. I am grateful that I ended up in a mental hospital in high school. When I got out I knew who my true friends were. Since then, I know, when I make new friends, who is worth keeping around and who is going to be there for me, and who is better as an acquaintance and is just fun to hang out with... I have no doubts that the people I consider my best friends are really the ones who are going to be there through thick and thin. Not everyone has that at my age. I would say I am quite lucky. 

Lately, the past month or so, I have been feeling extremely guilty for everything. I am not sure why... But I have this deep sense of guilt inside of me that I cannot get rid of. And I feel terrible for the smallest things. I am worried that my birth control is affecting my mood. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am not a good person, and so when I think I have done something wrong, and especially when I do something wrong it reinforces that feeling, and I feel like shit. I am slightly nervous that this is going to lead into a depressive state. While I do not try to think about it, because I do not want to let myself believe it will happen, and therefore let it happen, I am aware that it is a possibility. I have been going out of my way to stay positive and not see anything in a negative way, which I am generally super good at. Lately though, it has been more work. I am not sure what to do. I just do not want to get depressed again. I think as long I keep the desire to stay happy and keep taking my medicine I should be fine. 

Hedons and Dolors. Fire and Bricks. Improving or Accepting?

I have been thinking about a few things lately. Two of which I am going to address now.

Firstly, I have been thinking about who I am as a person and as a friend. I have comprised a list of things I may like to change about myself. The thing is, some of those things are things I like and even love about myself. For some reason though, not a lot of other people do.
For instance I love the fact that I talk a lot, and that most of the I talk about nothing important. I like the fact that I react to things, that I care enough to let things that are said and done to me affect how I feel. I like that I am not a zombie anymore, the way I used to be when I was depressed. I feel everything, from joy and relief, to anger and regret. And the best part is when something upsets me, generally I get over it in 30 seconds to a minute. I get angry, I feel it out, which is healthy. I also go a step further, and I do my very best to let go. I like the fact that I call things as I see them. I speak my mind, and value honesty over being socially correct. At the same time I try hard to be respectful. I like that I try to think things out before I hash them out. I do my best to not confront someone while I am upset of processing, because it effects how I approach the person and the situation.

I do not like that people see me as annoying, moody, ill mannered, rude, and think that I do not care about other people. Or at least, I think that is how I come off.

I see all these qualities in myself that I love. I see the good in them, I know why they are some of my favorites. Sometimes though I try to think of how I must come across to other people... People who do not know me, why I do the things I do, so say the things I say. And I think they must see such a terrible young lady. And maybe they are right. Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I have lied to myself saying all of these things are good, because seeing them for what they might be could ruin my the self confidence I spent years building. Or maybe I have lied to myself to keep myself going, and moving forward, without having any self-progression.

Though to be honest. I have a hard time believing either of those two ideas to be true. Because I analyze myself frequently. Every choice I make, I try figure out my motives, why I am really doing what I am doing, what I ultimately hope to gain from it. I try so hard to be honest with myself about what I want from situations and why I do what I do... that I have started to just keep honesty as a policy when it comes to self reflecting.

I do not think I am annoying, I may be an acquired taste, but I am funny and charming. I may get moody, but I am a chick, and I do not hold grudges, if I say I have forgiven you, I have. And I forgive people for even the biggest things. I may be honest, sometimes too honest, but I respect people and I never mean for what I say to be rude. I care so much more for other people than one would realize. I spent years of my life living because I could not handle the emotional pain that my suicide would have put my friends and family through. If I was really that selfish, I would have killed myself, because I was in unbearable pain. Seeing other people sad or upset hurts me. Even worse when it is someone I care about. And given the choice, I would always want to take their share of pain for them, because after going through depression, I know how strong I am. And I would live it all again for the rest of my existence if it meant someone that I love and care for never had to feel anything remotely close.

I think overall my good really outweighs the bad. But sometimes I wonder, am I just lying to myself so well that I am not even aware that I am lying....? The only point made that I know to be as true as the sound of my heart beat is the last one. The rest could be ways for me to make myself feel better, like a coping mechanism that I created over the years.

Because of these qualities (or fallacies) I wonder if I am really fit to be someone's friend. I think I can be a shitty excuse for a friend. And the thing is, I do not really even notice until someone calls me out on it. How horrid is that? It is one thing to be terrible and then recognize that is how you are... but a totally different thing when someone has to point it out before it even occurs to you. I have been so confident, thinking that there is nothing wrong with me, when maybe there is. So maybe my confidence is really not so good for me after all. Maybe I should be a lot less confident and focus on what is wrong so I can improve it. This sort of comes back to the hedons and dolors. A hedon is a unit that measures pleasure and a dolor is a unit that measures pain. The goal is to achieve the greatest amount of pleasure for the greater amount of people. As defined in Utilitarianism. At what point are my words and actions resulting in less hedons of pleasure and more dolors of pain? At the end of the day though, I know who my friends are. I know who will be there when I am on top of the world, and who will be there to lift me from the ruins. I know that all my best friends love me regardless. And I confident that they know that I love them and cherish them more than anything (as well as my family, but that goes without saying). And they are such amazing people, who are all self confident and self respecting enough, I know that would not keep me around if our friendship resulted in dolors.

Is it ever okay for me to choose to give up my self-confidence in order to change something that I think other people see as something negative in me? Where is the line drawn between improving yourself and accepting yourself? Perhaps I have some issues to attend, as do most people. I have negative qualities, that I could change, but I do not know if I want to..What it really comes down to is: Is it wrong that I love my flaws just as much as I love my strengths?


The last thing on my mind is something I have observed that I notice in society, and I am including myself in this...

I have noticed that as a society we do a really good job of tearing down the people we do not like. It seems to me that we would rather see the people we do not care for fail than succeed. Even when their succession will provide the maximum amount of hedons. For some reason if someone we dislike fails, it is like we win. When that is not always the case. For the purposes of what I am writing there is no direct competition between the antagonist (who you dislike) and the protagonist (you). For some reason people get a sense of pleasure when the person they dislike falls down. And I cannot help but wonder where that pleasure comes from. Can we really even call it pleasure? Is it not sick and demented? I do not understand what compels us to want to see another person break down. Is it a part of human nature? If our mind sets changed, would we in fact end up feeling happier knowing that they are doing well, even if it means they are ahead of us? Why is it easier to tear down rather than build up?

*Writer's note. I did not go back and edit this blog other than spelling mistakes. So my thoughts came together while typing as well as before, so if this is hard to follow, that may be why, and I am sorry.

Here Is An Update.

I went on that job interview for Arlington Hills. I go the job there. The position I have is called PRN. Medically speaking that means “as needed”. So I am hired working on call. They will send out an email each week saying these are the hours we need covered. I reply with the hours I can work. Then they may also call me up the day of. I basically get to pick my hours; it will be a nice way to pick up some extra cash.

About an hour after I got home from the interview. I got a call from SJV. They offered me a job as well. I accepted. It is working two overnight shifts a week. I will work 10pm to 6am Saturdays and Sundays. This works out well for me.  Also I am still working at the Art Gallery.

I just have to wait three weeks for my background check to come through at SJV and Arlington.

Three jobs one may ask… I thought the same thing too. But I realized this. The Art Gallery is not open Sundays and Mondays. Therefore I will never have to go to work after working an overnight at SJV. Sundays I will have to push myself an extra few hours to make it through church. I will always now my schedule at SJV, and I get my schedule the Friday before at the Art Gallery, so when I get the email from Arlington I will already know what days I can work.

I will be able to use the money from SJV to pay bills. And whatever pays me the most in a pay period between Arlington and Art Gallery will be put into my savings and the other will be allowed spending socially. Seeing how my social life is getting cut back greatly, I will just put that into savings as well.  

On an ending note, I am happy with how things are turning out. I cannot wait to be working all three jobs. I miss having money…  

To be ashamed, or not to be?

I think I look beautiful in this picture.
:)

Taken directly after, without the scarf.
That is not the only difference. 

Zoom in and add color.
The difference is most definitely noticeable. 

I got this hickey one night that I went to a party. I am not going to give a lot of details. Like the who, when, and where. Because they are not really important. Rather what I want to talk about it something I see in our society that disgusts me. Passing false judgement meant to provoke shame.  

I went with Jenn to Smiths tonight to pick up food. The cashier commented on the hickey. And as we were leaving Jenn said something along the lines of her being embarrassed for me. And why shouldn't she? A hickey is the scarlet letter of the 21st century. It says "I am a harlot, who has no self respect". The thing is though. I am not a harlot, and I have a lot of self respect. Anyone who sees it will undoubtedly think less of me. Many will naturally assume I am putting out. 

I am 19. I am young, I want to go to parties and be care free. I want to make out with a boy I am not in a relationship with. So I get a hickey, I did not have sex with some strange kid I will never see again. 

When typed on a screen it makes so much sense to be like yeah, a hickey from someone is not as bad as having sex with someone you don't know. Though, IF I had sex with him, you would not be able to see it.. There would be no way of knowing without pregnancy. It is nearly impossible to look at someone over the age of 15 and be 100% sure that they are not sexually active. But getting a hickey, it is out there for everyone to see. And somehow that makes it worse...??

I guess I do not understand why there is so much shame in that. Why is a hickey a mark of death? Look at the two photos again. If I posted the first one after having a one night stand, you would be none the wiser from the image. But the second one, the worst is assumed. When all it was, was two young people after making out. Is it just me?? Maybe I am alone in this. Maybe I am misguided. Maybe I am wrong. But I feel no shame in having it on my neck. Though I am not exactly proud. And I do not want to flaunt it. Why should I have to hide it, why is it such a black mark, why do people assume the worst? 

Also I understand covering it up for work or meetings, or any other place that looking professional is expected. But going to the grocery store, or out to a mall, or anywhere else in public that is a casual setting.

People looked at me like I should be ashamed and exiled. The thing is, I know what went down, and what did not. I am not ashamed, or filled with guilt. It was fun, and if given the chance to go back and do things differently, I would not change a thing about that night.