I have been thinking about a few things lately. Two of which I am
going to address now.
Firstly, I have been thinking about who I am as a person and as a
friend. I have comprised a list of things I may like to change about
myself. The thing is, some of those things are things I like and even
love about myself. For some reason though, not a lot of other people
do.
For instance I love the fact that I talk a lot, and that most of
the I talk about nothing important. I like the fact that I react to
things, that I care enough to let things that are said and done to me
affect how I feel. I like that I am not a zombie anymore, the way I
used to be when I was depressed. I feel everything, from joy and
relief, to anger and regret. And the best part is when something
upsets me, generally I get over it in 30 seconds to a minute. I get
angry, I feel it out, which is healthy. I also go a step further, and
I do my very best to let go. I like the fact that I call things as I
see them. I speak my mind, and value honesty over being socially
correct. At the same time I try hard to be respectful. I like that I
try to think things out before I hash them out. I do my best to not
confront someone while I am upset of processing, because it effects
how I approach the person and the situation.
I do not like that people see me as annoying, moody, ill mannered,
rude, and think that I do not care about other people. Or at least, I
think that is how I come off.
I see all these qualities in myself that I love. I see the good in
them, I know why they are some of my favorites. Sometimes though I
try to think of how I must come across to other people... People who
do not know me, why I do the things I do, so say the things I say.
And I think they must see such a terrible young lady. And maybe they
are right. Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe I have lied to myself
saying all of these things are good, because seeing them for what
they might be could ruin my the self confidence I spent years
building. Or maybe I have lied to myself to keep myself going, and
moving forward, without having any self-progression.
Though to be honest. I have a hard time believing either of those
two ideas to be true. Because I analyze myself frequently. Every
choice I make, I try figure out my motives, why I am really doing
what I am doing, what I ultimately hope to gain from it. I try so
hard to be honest with myself about what I want from situations and
why I do what I do... that I have started to just keep honesty as a
policy when it comes to self reflecting.
I do not think I am annoying, I may be an acquired taste, but I am
funny and charming. I may get moody, but I am a chick, and I do not
hold grudges, if I say I have forgiven you, I have. And I forgive
people for even the biggest things. I may be honest, sometimes too
honest, but I respect people and I never mean for what I say to be
rude. I care so much more for other people than one would realize. I
spent years of my life living because I could not handle the
emotional pain that my suicide would have put my friends and family
through. If I was really that selfish, I would have killed myself,
because I was in unbearable pain. Seeing other people sad or upset
hurts me. Even worse when it is someone I care about. And given the
choice, I would always want to take their share of pain for them,
because after going through depression, I know how strong I am. And I
would live it all again for the rest of my existence if it meant
someone that I love and care for never had to feel anything remotely
close.
I think overall my good really outweighs the bad. But sometimes I
wonder, am I just lying to myself so well that I am not even aware
that I am lying....? The only point made that I know to be as true as
the sound of my heart beat is the last one. The rest could be ways
for me to make myself feel better, like a coping mechanism that I
created over the years.
Because of these qualities (or fallacies) I wonder if I am really
fit to be someone's friend. I think I can be a shitty
excuse for a friend. And the thing is, I do not really even notice
until someone calls me out on it. How horrid is that? It is one thing
to be terrible and then recognize that is how you are... but a
totally different thing when someone has to point it out before it
even occurs to you. I have been so confident, thinking that there is
nothing wrong with me, when maybe there is. So maybe my confidence
is really not so good for me after all. Maybe I should be a lot less
confident and focus on what is wrong so I can improve it. This sort
of comes back to the hedons and dolors. A hedon is
a unit that measures pleasure and a dolor is a unit that measures
pain. The goal is to achieve the greatest amount of pleasure for the
greater amount of people. As defined in Utilitarianism. At what point are my words and actions
resulting in less hedons of pleasure and more dolors of pain? At the
end of the day though, I know who my friends are. I know who will be
there when I am on top of the world, and who will be there to lift me
from the ruins. I know that all my best friends love me regardless.
And I confident that they know that I love them and cherish them more
than anything (as well as my family, but that goes without saying).
And they are such amazing people, who are all self confident and self respecting enough, I know that would not keep me around if our friendship resulted in dolors.
Is it ever okay for me to choose to give up my self-confidence in
order to change something that I think other people see as something
negative in me? Where is the line drawn between improving yourself
and accepting yourself? Perhaps I have some issues to attend, as do
most people. I have negative qualities, that I could change, but I do
not know if I want to..What it really comes down to is: Is it
wrong that I love my flaws just as much as I love my strengths?
The last thing on my mind is something I have observed that I
notice in society, and I am including myself in this...
I have noticed that as a society we do a really good job of
tearing down the people we do not like. It seems to me that we would
rather see the people we do not care for fail than succeed. Even when
their succession will provide the maximum amount of hedons. For some
reason if someone we dislike fails, it is like we win. When that is
not always the case. For the purposes of what I am writing there is
no direct competition between the antagonist (who you dislike) and
the protagonist (you). For some reason people get a sense of pleasure
when the person they dislike falls down. And I cannot help but wonder
where that pleasure comes from. Can we really even call it pleasure?
Is it not sick and demented? I do not understand what compels us to
want to see another person break down. Is it a part of human nature?
If our mind sets changed, would we in fact end up feeling happier
knowing that they are doing well, even if it means they are ahead of us?
Why is it easier to tear down rather than build up?
*Writer's note. I did not go back and edit this blog other than
spelling mistakes. So my thoughts came together while typing as well
as before, so if this is hard to follow, that may be why, and I am
sorry.
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