Employment, College, Life, and Gratitude.

Okay. So today has been a great day. Maybe one of the best since I have been in the state of Utah. Since I have been here I have been unemployed, as you may have read in my last blog post. But today I got the good news of employment. I got it at the Art Gallery! I do not think I can overstate my joy.

I have paid off all my bills until the end of April. The 24th I have a $28 bill Then the 28th I have $260 bill. I can totally make that in a month. I am going in Thursday for training.

One top of that I went into SJV to meet the Director of Nursing. She told me to call Monday, and ask to set up an interview for Thursday. Something tells me Thursday is going to be awesome. Tuesday I am going into Arlington Hills and applying and I should get an interview that day. I am not sure if telling them I have another interview later in the week, and asking them if I can call back is professional. Maybe not so much, but I would rather do that than accept the job, and then finding out that I got the job at SJV with the hours I want and then quitting Arlington.

The sucky part is my social life will be cut... Well I do not have much of one at the moment, but the one I have will start to be nonexistent. It may make getting into the dating scene a lot harder. But I mean making the money will be well worth it, because I can use that money in a year to get into college. Which I really need to do. All my friends from high school will be going into their junior year, I will be going into my freshman year. I feel like I fell so far behind. It is slightly depressing.. But on the plus side I know it is something I want to do, and I will not let life hold me back. So what I start a few years late. The fact of the matter is I will graduate. And If I take summer courses I can not be so far behind.

I really want to post on here I am extremely thankful for the support and help from J.P. and S.G. while I have been here. I may have left if it was not for them.  They have been extremely encouraging. I feel like I could never thank then enough, because they both have played a huge part in adjusting to life here. I know I do no say it enough, mainly because words cannot describe it... But thank you.

Unemployment

So, at this moment I am unemployed. Hopefully this changes quickly. I have applied at two jobs. One is for St. Joseph Villa (a nursing home), the other at a place called  Arts of the World Gallery. Tuesday I am going to Arlington Hills (another nursing home) to apply for a job. I may also apply at the VA.

I was extremely hopeful about the job at the Art Gallery. The woman who owns it is really nice. Her name is Leslie. She is going to look over my application and resume and give me a call back. The day I inquired about the job there was such a positive energy, something that made me feel like the universe was working with me, and that everything would work out. But today, dropping off the application, the energy shifted. Like the universe was going to make me work for this one. So in order to do that, I am going to try to release a shit load of positive energy and hope I can get karma on my side. Because I feel like this job would be amazing.

The job at St. Joseph Villa did not feel so secure. Though, truth be told, my outfit was beyond amazing the day I dropped off my application. First impressions count, right??? I would rather work there than at Arlington Hills. For some reason Arlington Hills reminds me of a nursing home you would find in a sketch part of Lowell. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

But at the end of the day, when all is said and done. I have this immense feeling that things are going to work out for me. That despite the mishaps and such, I will really be okay, if not great.

On a different note.

I spent all day yesterday with Jenn and Sam. At the end day we went to see War Horse. Which was good, except the background was an obvious fail. The father of the main character pretty much spends a lot of money which will keep them from paying rent, and causing them to potentially lose their house and farm. In one part the man looks to his wife and says something like, one of these days you are going to stop loving me, and I will understand. Then she says to him "I may hate you more, but I will never love you less". I am not sure why, but that really stuck with me.

Then we went to Lookout Point (I believe that is what Jenn called it)... over by the U of U. It looks out over the city. Because it was night, the city was all lit up. And it seemed as if the city was sparkling. It was wonderful. And the stars were really bright. You know, I really love this city.

Zorba the Greek

An old grandfather of ninety was busy planting an almond tree. ‘What, granddad!’ I exclaimed. ‘Planting an almond tree?’ And he, bent as he was, turned round and said: ‘My son, I carry on as if I should never die.’ I replied: ‘And I carry on as if I was going to die any minute.’ Which of us was right, boss?

Okay, here is the thing. I have been feeling rather philosophical lately. To be honest, I am really happy about it. I have not spent this much time contemplating one question in a while. As you can see above I quoted something. This is from Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis. The question paraphrased in a movie and so I did some Google-ing and found out where it is from. So, I have not read the book, but I must say this one passage puts this book high on my list of books to read. I am not going to post what my thoughts are currently, because they are still developing. Though when I decided how I feel, I will let you know. I am fairly certain this is a no right or wrong answer sort of thing, but yeah.

In other news. My classes are almost done. I was sitting in class one day thinking about how I know nothing, I felt like there is so much that I did not know how to do. Then I went to the lab to use the dummies and practice skills while everyone else watched a movie on death. And these two girls came in, and asked me to show them things and explain stuff. And so I agreed. There are 28 skills we can be tested on. In the time of the movie we made it through the first 23. I knew 21 of them, and we had only been taught 20. And all 21 of those I know well enough to teach them to someone else. It was then I realized, I am actually not behind at all. My class average is 95.75 for quizzes. I am already a chapter and a half ahead in the homework. I am quite a bit ahead.

My week is pretty fun. Tomorrow, being Monday, I am chilling with Jenn. Tuesday & Wednesday open. Thursday after class I am having a slumber party with Sam. Friday I have no class, so I am going to Temple square with Hillary (who was in my class with me). Saturday I will have clinicals (I know clinicals isn't technically a word, but that is what we say). If I can get the 630am-2pm shift then I am going to the Festival of Colors. And if not then I am just doing my clinicals. Then Sunday church in the morning, and then clinicals from 2pm-10pm. And just to throw in more detail. The Monday after clinicals, I am taking my test for the class, and we are having a party.

This is me wearing my PPE (personal protective equipment). 

Taken by Hillary.

Lane's head is in the background, 

so that is not my hair extending weirdly. 

Sam took this of me. 

We were at Coffee Garden. 

I may not have needed the caffeine. 

This is me and Lady Yellow Lips.

She is looking as sexy as ever,

after I shaved her facial hair. 

:)

Strangers...

"Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours."

This is something that tends to occur to me at least once every few days. I often look at people and it hits me again, like it did the very first time I realized other people have their own worlds. In a sense I am in the center of my own world. And there are people who come in and stay, and some who make an appearance. Like shooting stars or the ones that we say every night until we die. Everything that happens in my life affects my world. Something bad happens, it is like a meteorite flew in from no where and took off a chunk of me. Something great happens, like a new star gets added to my view. But when something happens, it is big for me and I can see it. The people in my life have their own worlds. Where I can only see just a little bit. Like the dark side of the moon. Humans can't see it, but we know there is more there. I am aware that these people are there, though I do not see everything they see, I get a glimpse. But people I do not know. The people I pass on the street, or sit next to on a train. Everything that is happening in their life is just as big and detrimental as the things going on in my life. They have no idea I am in a big city with no family, and it is a bit saddening... but I may not know that their mother just passed away, or their daughter was accepted to college with a full ride scholarship. What may seem easy for me, could have been a meteor for them, and vice versa. 

I think it is just hard to imagine that anything going on in someone else's life could be as important as what is going on in yours, or in some cases more important. Because we have a full view of our world, and a very minute glimpse of their's from millions of light years away. Like a far off star you are vaguely aware of on the darkest of nights. 

This post really was not going anywhere. It was just a thought. If it wasn't really late and I had more time, I would have developed the metaphor better. I hope it was clear enough for you guys to follow. If not I am sorry, and my next post in a few days will be less like this, and more of an update. Maybe. 

Homesick

Okay, so this past week I had a day of emotional turmoil. I felt really homesick, and I did not really like that. The thing is I got to thinking about things.

 At home I felt like I really did not have a future ahead of me. I worked part time at McDonald's. Getting paid $.50 more than minimum wage. I felt trapped. I was 19 and still living at home, not that I do not love my family, but I wanted to be out on my own. But at home I had a social life. I usually went out with people and I had fun. I spent weekends at Kevin's. And spent almost every day after work with Julienne. I spent Monday nights with Laura and Dave (M). I interacted with people at work, we laughed and joked around. I was becoming friends with Jenny, and closer with Jess, Rich, and Kasey (H). And anyone who knows me, knows that I am a social person, and I love being around people, talking, laughing, and just having a wonderful time.

Here though. I am lacking in a social life. I hang out with Jenn, and that's pretty much it. I mean I have hung out with Sam twice. I am like him a lot, and I see us hanging out as becoming more of a frequent thing. I think he is someone I could become friends with. And I am making a few friends in my class, such as Hillary. But I really do not have a social life at the moment. But on the positive side, I do see a future for myself here. I see myself going places, and doing more that what I was doing. I am taking classes to be a certified nursing assistant (CNA), and while I work for a year or so to gain residency, I should have saved enough money to go to college. I feel like Utah has more to offer me as far a future goes. 

But I do not really have a place for myself here yet. Mainly because I lack a social network and a job. And to be honest, even if I do go back home, things will not be the same. I mean after a while it will work out, but it will not be the way it was before. My friends are moving on with their lives without me. I don't mean that like they no longer care, or do not miss me, but they have their own lives. And they need to focus on that and move on, it is only healthy. My family is learning to adjust with out without me there everyday singing and dancing around while they are watching TV and talking a lot. And I would have lost so much money coming here, just to go back and feel trapped again. Because the one thing I am sure of is, there is still no future for me back home, there is only the past. 

Here is a list of things I miss back home.

Family, friends, Kisa, pay checks, family home evening, laughing all the time, drive thru 1, Brazilians, Denny and Camio, Macks, my awesomely colored walls, driving.

What I am looking forward to here.

Finishing my classes, getting a CNA job, being around elderly people, pay checks, volunteer work, meeting new people, hiking, back packing, learning to ski or snow board (next winter), dating, adventure, proving to myself I can make it out here on my own, going to college, and having the time of my life.

I think what I need to do is stop living in the past, and live for the future. Because at the moment, making a future for myself is my top priority, cute boys are a close second  =D

But for the record. I miss you you guys back home like crazy. 

Also I got a hair cut. The faux hawk is back yo.   

Pissed The Eff Off.

Lately my mind has been elsewhere causing me to forget other emotions, such as anger. The worst part is I will never say this to your face. I've thought about it, dreamed of it. How I would say it, hoping it feels like a sucker punch to the gut, the way I feel every single time I think about you. How you let me down. And yet, it is not you letting me down, it is the you I made up, the you I wanted you to be. Which makes it worse, it was like I was asking for it. I feel like I never really mattered to you, and yet you still mean so much to me. It is confusing because I remember all these good things about you. All the things I love about you. All the good things you have done for me or said to me. I try to fool myself into believing you could have never done anything wrong, and the fault with us now is all on me. Because it would destroy me to see you as someone who could hurt me, and just not care. It hurts me to care so much and feel nothing in return. It sucks because you will probably not read this. I honestly do not think I even mean enough to you for you to check up on my blog.. I hate lying to myself. It is draining, and the thing is, every time I do it, I am aware that is a lie. I am not really looking for much here. I am just looking for you to play an semi-active part in my life. I get it, you are 2500+ miles away, there is not much you can do. We can't chill out or anything, but a call or a text doesn't hurt. It doesn't take too much time. You know, I think I was mistaken, the worst part isn't that I won't say this to your face. It is that I will not move on. I will do everything in humanly possible to keep you around, no matter how much it hurts me. Because I see you an incredible woman who possesses qualities that I wish I had, characteristics that amaze and confuse me. You are the girl that every other chick wants to be. You changed the way I view life, people, the world, and myself. And at the end of the day, everyday, I can forgive you for giving me another reason to feel worthless to you. I just can't forgive myself. Because the thing is, I know I am not. I know I am better than that. Better than the way you treat me, the way I allow you to treat me. But I feel like such an addict. Actually this quote describes it well.  

“I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter. I see it now though. Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn’t matter where I go, as long as it’s not here. I need to get away from Phoenix—away from him—before this goes even one step further. And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind. This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he’ll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he’ll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct? Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him. Tomorrow. What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late. He’ll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever. Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That’s all I need. And that is why I now understand addiction.” 

― Marie Sexton, Strawberries for Dessert

The difference is you are not a man abusing me...  You are a woman who mentally fucks with me. One day we are close, the next I am dirt on the ground.

-- If you are reading this, this probably is not about you. Because the person it is about, I doubt has ever read my blog... or even cares enough to check up on me on Facebook. Or return a call. So please know this most likely not to you. I mean unless it is you, and you do follow up on me. Anyways, you know who you are. If you have to question it, it is not you.

And for the record, I really do know I am not worthless, sometimes I just forget it. Until I look in the mirror and remember how sexy and awesome I am..      :)

 

Please, Laugh At My Expense...

For all of you reading this, you know that I am clumsy and do stupid things all the time. But you haven't been able to see me do those stupid things and laugh at them. If you are missing that, this is for you.

I decided I wanted to take a shower. Simple right? Wrong. First off, I could not get the water to come out through the shower part. So as I went out to ask someone for help, I ran into one of Dense and Sherm's daughters who moved out. She showed me, and it turned out I was not using enough water pressure. This only began the awkwardness... Then she left, and it was an awkward goodbye, which fits well with the first impression. So I am standing there in just a bra and leggings holding the removable shower head and trying to get water pressure. I finally succeed and put the shower head back into place. As soon as the leggings come off the shower head fell off the thing that holds it, with quite a bit of water coming out. Needless to say it sprayed me and everything in the bathroom. Things fell off the window sill, and there were a few crash sounds. All I could think of was someone walking in to see if I was okay. I finally get it back on, and think everything is okay. But little did I know it wasn't 100% secure, so it tilted to the side and got the floor super wet. I had to figure out how to get all the water off the floor without using my towel, or their hand towel. So no one would know how bad it was. I went through so much toilet paper trying to dry it. After that, all went well.  And though no one was there to see it, I would have to say that goes up in the top 3 most embarrassing moments of my life.

On the plus side, now I know not to turn the shower on until I get in there. And I am clean.

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Today at church.

Nothing too amazing happened. We got there on time. 9 am. I found a guy who is Pat Verona cute. He was sitting next to two other guys, so I am assuming he is single. Though maybe his girlfriend is not in his ward. either way, I am going to find out. During the second hour I filled out a form and met with the bishop. Third was combined Relief Society and Priesthood. I really didn't like the lesson. I mean it was not really something that applied to me. It was about loving yourself. And I do not have problems with that. And even if I did, it did not really offer solutions, it was just discussed as something that is important. And the woman teaching said something that bothered Jenn, and honestly, it sort of pissed me off too. But Jenn more... I think it was really just a waste of an hour for me.

I was going to go to this dinner thing tonight. It started at 7pm, but by the time I figured the shower out, cleaned up after myself, showered, and got out it was already too late.

I guess there is always next time. Eh?

The Cove

So, because of the lack of internet access I have at the moment, I am typing this on Word. And I am going to copy and paste it over. Hopefully I will get the password today, and post it today, but that may not happen. So if not, today is Saturday March 3, 2012. Today Jenn took me grocery shopping and I spent like $71. I got a pillow, a refillable water bottle, and food. I hated that I spent so much, but the thing is, I am not going to have to go back for two weeks, and when I do go back, I will not have to spend so much.  Also Jenn bought me a Penguin Pee Wee Pillow Pet and a black cool feeling pillow for my room.

I really want become healthier, because I feel like I owe it to my body to do so. And I do not want to risk health problems when I am older.  So I am cutting down on my meat intake. I am not going to eliminate it. But I am going to limit it to a few times a week, and try to only eat white meat and fish. Not working at McDonald’s will help. Also came up with a plan to get to the classes I am taking and back. But I changed it today so that I can get more walking in. So I am going to be walking about 70 minutes a day. Doing so should help in the process of becoming healthier. And when I get a job it should be nice out, so I will probably walk there and back, which comes out to an hour a day, if I get the job where I want to.

I know this will sound really backwards, but I am slightly worried that I am going to lose a bunch of weight. The thing is, I am really confident with how I look now. Anyone who knows me knows I think I am the hottest thing to grace the Earth. What if I start losing weight and then that is what I think about, and I lose confidence and become obsessive over that? I really do not want that to happen. I do not want to change outwardly; I just want my insides to be healthier. Who know though, maybe I will look hotter… I just do not want it to become about weight or looks for me, because that is not me.  On the other hand I would not mind if my boobs shrank a bit. Or just fell off.

I have been getting headaches. I am assuming it is from the altitude difference, but it could be because while I stayed with Jenn, I have not eaten much meat at all. And my body could be missing some protein and iron. I am not sure, I am going to give it a while, because I do think it is just that the air is thinner.  

Just thought I would throw this out there. The Cove refers to where I am living currently. I have currently not even been here one night, even though it is my third time in the house. I do not feel like it is home, at least not just yet. So I can’t call it home, and I do not want to call it my place, my room, or anything of that nature. When I asked Jenn, she said I should call it the cove, because it reminds her of a place with music, and something else I do not remember because I was half asleep having this conversation. But I liked it, and so, until it feels like home, I will refer to it as the Cove. Also in a blog to follow I will talk about who I am living with. To be honest, so far I really like them all.

I think that is all I have to write at the moment. Tomorrow Jenn is taking me to church, where I will scout out for some good looking single guys or research if you will. I wonder what I am going to wear…? Such a girly question I know. But let’s face it; I happen to be a girl. 

*Got the password, and it was posted the day I wrote it!  Yay.