I Won't Give Up.

Okay. So while the primary focus of this blog is to keep everyone updated. This post is really for myself. I need to just get this out. Because I need to be completely honest with myself, I am being completely honest with whoever is reading this.

I decided to stop taking my medication. I know this is risky. I know it can have some serious negative repercussions. I am well aware. The thing is, I am not scared. I know how I feel. I am so happy with my life. I finally feel like I am where I should be. For the first time in my life, I am not worried about my future and where I am going. Because I see all of these positive things ahead of me. I really believe I can make it work this time. And well, to be honest, I hate having to to medication to be happy. I disagree with the notion that I will never be happy if I am not taking medication. And for the past month I have been fine. Adama's death was hard on me. But I made my way through it without the crutch of medication. Though I did have the help of good friends.  I know I go through this cycle all the time. I take medication and I am fine, and then I stop and stay fine, then I start to decline and go back on the medication. But I cannot give up hope. A medicated world is not one I want to live in. And I know if I ever stop going through this cycle and stay on medication, that is when I lose hope for my future. I know to someone who has never heard a professional say to them "you will never be happy on your own" this sounds silly. It is like, if you know there is going to be a decline why stop? What is the point? Why put yourself and your loved ones at risk? And I do not expect anyone to understand, if you do, that is wonderful, but I am not asking that of anyone. It is just there is always a chance of relapse, on medication and off. Either way I live my life, I am going to relapse. Medication does not save me from that. It may make it occur less often, but I will still face it. For anyone who knows me, I am super optimistic, and hopeful in everything. That is how I live my life. And I cannot and will not give that up.

I found this website BipolarAssociation.org. I got this off of their blog.

"There are two main reasons for coming off medication – you no longer need it, or you are finding the side effects outweigh any benefits from taking it."

"Make sure your life is as good as it can be and that your original problems have resolved."

"In conclusion, brains have been around for millions of years, very few mental health conditions are due to of a lack of medication. Nonetheless, medication can help get us through bad times. If you want to come off medication, everything else in your life needs to be right from your physical health to being happy within yourself."

They recognize that there is a point where you no longer need medication. I think my problems have been resolved. They stemmed from the neglect of my mother, and events that happened while I was growing up. The second time, had a lot to do with Zack. And I have forgiven all parties. And three out of the four people are no longer involved in my life. As I said above I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am. And I think moving away and starting a life of my own has really helped. And if any of that changes. Then I can go back on my medication.

I am trying to get a full time position so I can get health insurance through my work. I got denied from a private company because of preexisting conditions (in other words, because I am bipolar). I have a feeling that is going to happen with every company I call. With health insurance I am going to try to go to therapy. And if it gets bad enough, I can always travel to this place in Murray to get really cheap therapy. At the moment it is not worth the time and money to get there, but I have options.

I did not quit my medication cold turkey, because that can result in a relapse in three months. I tapered myself off. I read up on how to tapper off, and followed a specific plan. I know not being under the supervision of a professional is not the best idea, but I did everything I could to do it right. And I talked to my former doctor about how to go back on. The dose amount I need to start with and how much to increase by every week and two weeks. So if I do go back on, I will be doing that the right way as well. I did my best to be smart about this.

Since I was diagnosed, I have accept that I have an illness. Something in my life that I may have to face time and time again. I was okay with that. But there is no a single ounce of proof that says it is a life long illness, or something that I need to let control my life. And to be honest. There is not a lot of anything on Bipolar Disorder at all. No real known cause, or anything. There is just not enough known about it for someone to give me a life sentence. And about 2 months ago when I decided I wanted to come off medication, I did research and found out that people can do it. And have healthy well functioning lives.

So there it is. I am off. I am happy. And I am going to do my best to stay that way.

Adama

In October of 2011 I decided to sponsor a child. I felt like I was a waste of a human and that I was not doing anyone any good. So I went online and found what I thought to be the most credible organization for sponsorship. Sponsoring a child gave me the notion that my life mattered to someone. That someone out there was better off because I was alive. And with my life I could fund their life. It gave me a sense of meaning and purpose that nothing has ever really given me before. That just $28 a month is making a huge difference to someone who would be far worse off without me, without it. 


Adama Lamin Kanu was born April 27, 2000. Her family lives in a small village in the Kailahun district of Sierra Leone.  She lived with her parents and has three sisters and a brother. They live in a two room apartment built with mud. They lack a toilet facility. They depend on two meals per day. Adama slept on a mat on the floor. Her family is Muslim by religion and Mende by tribe. They are peasant farmers that grow cassava, groundnut, and vegetables in their backyard garden, which earns them an annual income of $180. Adama was a school going pupil that liked reading. She was friendly and liked playing games with children of her age group. She lacked books, shoes, and clothes. She was usually found dressed in rags and most of the times walked barefoot. She was healthy and physically strong. 


Adama Lamin Kanu passed away May 14, 2012 while being transferred to a new hospital to be treated for Anemia. She lived to be a little over the age of 12. I just got the call at 130pm today May 24, 2012. 


While anemia is not something painful like a broken leg, the symptoms still suck. They include, but are not limited to, "feeling of weakness, or fatigue, general malaise and sometimes poor concentration. They may also report dyspnea (shortness of breath) on exertion. In very severe anemia, the body may compensate for the lack of oxygen-carrying capability of the blood by increasing cardiac output. The patient may have symptoms related to this, such as palpitations, angina (if preexisting heart disease is present), intermittent claudication of the legs, and symptoms of heart failure". 


I cannot help but wonder if I really made her life any better. It was my money that went to pay her hospital bills. Would she have been better off if she wasn't treated and just passed away? Is it better that her family knows what the cause was, because she could go to the hospital? Did I actually help prolong her life any? Did I make the last 8 months of her life better?

I wish I could say to you all that I am okay. That is was only 8 months, and that we never really corresponded. But the reality is that Adama was only 12 fucking years old. Only 12. And I would have done everything I could have sponsoring her to help give her a fighting chance as a woman in a man's country. She could have been wonderful. It is not fair. I lack health coverage where I am now, but there is no way I would have ever died because of anemia. If something was ever that wrong I could go into a hospital and get treated. Sure I might have a crap load of debt after, but still, that would not fly in the United States.

I'm not really okay. I still felt a bond with her. I thought she would be a part of my life until 2024. Another 12 years. I wanted to go visit her next summer. For a few days.

For the record though. I will be okay. I think I just need to mourn. And I no longer feel like Adama was the only person who is better off because I am alive. I have no felt that way in a long time. That is the beauty of not being depressed. You see yourself and what you really mean to the world and people in your life more clearly.

I am just going to miss what Adama could have been. And I recognize what she was to her friends and family, and the loss they must feel without her presence in their day to day lives. My heart goes out to them.

Haircut. And other stuff.

 Haircut!

I got a haircut today. This is the best photo of it I got. I took about 6 and then just picked the one I liked best. I do not know if you can tell, but the cut is softer, so I look more like a girl again. And there are no longer harsh lines. Also it is not so bulky and thick. I have finally found the hair salon I am going to keep going back to. It is called Aura. My stylist's name is Alli. How freaking awesome. She also has short hair. And a really cool tattoo. She is 20. All and all, I'm going back. 

You know what. Here is another photo for you folks. I do not think I look as good, but my hair looks good in it. I think I look really tired. Which to be honest is how I feel. And that is weird, because I got over 11 hours of sleep, and have only been awake for 5 hours. 

In other news...

Okay, on to other things to update you peeps on. I have thoroughly enjoyed work lately. I am happy that my overall hours are getting cut back. More me time. And by me time, I totally mean more time to sleep, let's face it. 

I opened a credit card. I can not get approved for a regular one, because I have no credit history, therefore I got a secured card through my bank. I am really excited, because with the awesome power of this card, I can build my credit. So that in the fall of 2013 when I go to college, I will have amazing credit history and will be able to get a student loan by myself. 

I switched birth control. My hormones were so off with the one I was on. So the one I switched to is has lower hormones. It will take up to 2 months for me to get the hormone levels of the other one out of my body though. Which sucks. Because I am crying over the weirdest things. Like the other night at work, I started crying because I couldn't do charting, and life was so unfair. And I felt terrible for these older people who have to face mortality. And that I was a terrible person. And all this shit that I normally just don't let get to me. And my nurse walks over and catches me crying. But it lead to a very heartfelt discussion that made my night better. And on the plus side, she and I bonded a little more. You know what, I love Planned Parenthood.

Oh, and I am thinking about getting an IUD. It will cost me $348. Last twelve years. And has not hormones. It would be my birthday gift to myself. And $348 sounds like a lot, but think of how much money I am saving on 12 years of birth control. If I stick with what I am on now. That is $2,160 for the next twelve years. I am so saving money. 

I went to the public safety class. The one I needed to attended because I jaywalked. I am happy to report that I stayed serious the entire time. It was mainly an informative, this is what the UTA is about. Then I went out to eat with Jenn and Sam after. It was a pleasant way to spend my evening. 

I bought nail polish. It sucks. I love Sally Hansen products any other day. But the Color Quick is not my favorite. I spent $9 on it. Next time I am just going to go for regular stuff for $5. But the color purple is looking kick butt on my nails. 

I realized I am so white. Even though I know there is a tinge of African American amazingness (I know that is not a word) coursing through my blood. I am really such a white girl. I like boy bands, indie singers, independent films, and let's be honest; I love bacon. I am so white. 

That is all I can really think of to write about. So peace out my homies.   (:

Tomorrow's Just A Mystery, But That's Okay.

The mix of emotions I have been feeling lately is quite hard to explain. But I will give it my best shot.

After working at St. Jo's I feel a strong sense of accomplishment. Being a CNA is not the most glorious job. I wipe up crap from old people who don't even know when they are shitting. And the same with their pee. For the ones who do know, and can go to the bathroom, I still have to wipe up after them. A majority of the time I leave with something disgusting on my scrubs, and I have the deepest desire to shower for an hour or so. Despite how gross it is. I still feel like I have helped someone. I did something to make someone's life better before they die. I mean how often can someone say that they made the end of someone's life more dignifying before death? And the thing is, I have so much respect for my residents. They are full of so much wisdom. And imagine all the good they have done for the world. They have have their entire lifetime to do so many wonderful things, and start chain reaction where other people do wonderful things because of them. After adding up those collective good deeds and years between them, how can you not have respect for all of those wonderful thing. 

When I  work at the Art Galley I gain the desire to be at a different place. Not physically, but in a sense spiritually or emotionally. I think I am out of touch with the world around me. Working there I feel the need to be more connected to things. It gives me something to strive for. Also it reinforces my goals to go into the profession I want to. I love working retail, but I do not think that is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Not that I do not have respect for Leslie (my boss). I have the utmost respect for her, and I love working under her. Her passion for what she does reminds me that I want to have that passion for what I do. I do not want to spend every day of my life working a career that I have no passion for. I was talking to Sam about this Monday night. I would rather be borderline poor and doing what it is I have a passion for and feel like I am meant to do, then go into something that will pay well and I am fairly good at, but have no passion for. I can tell how much Leslie really cares about what it is she does, and this store. I want that. Even if my yearly salary is a comma or so behind what others have. 

When I am alone it is a mix. For the record I am not alone often. Sometimes I just do not know what it is I am doing. My heart feels like it is pumping just enough blood to get me through until the next day. I feel like all the passion has been drained from my veins, and I am just hollow. I have the faintest desire to curl up into a ball, crawl underground and just let eternity pass over me. I feel more than just physically alone. Other times though I am so on top of the world. I will just dance around in my room. In moments such as those I do not understand how I could ever feel any other way. For the record being on top of the world is just as common as feeling hollow. I think that is why I try to not be alone. And when I find myself alone, I sleep. I am generally really tired anyways, and I love sleeping. Also watching Netflix, reading, and researching things is a great way to take my mind off of feeling badly. And therefore, I think I can confidently say, it is actually not just as common, I think it is far less frequent than how I feel when I am dancing around my room like a white girl. 

When I am with my friends I feel as if everything is just right with the world. Not in a weird sketch way either. It is just that I am having so much fun and I am so happy that I do not see how life was meant to turn out any other way. Even when I can get slightly pissy and moody, or I am uncharacteristically quiet. Just seeing Jenn or Sam I feel that way, like everything fell perfectly into place. It is hard to put into words. But I feel like my life is right where it needs to be. At this moment in time, this is where I should be, these are the people I should be with. This is who I am. And I absolutely love all of it.  How can I not? No matter what I am doing, I am having fun. I am happy. I am with people I love, who I know love me. 

I think that is really all I feel. I mean I feel really tired a lot. I work a lot. But all and all, I am happy. I love who I am. I love the woman I see myself becoming. I see a wonderful future in front of me. Paved with hard work, old people's bodily waste, struggles, laughs, good friends, exhaustion, and hope.  And maybe some really hot guys. (; 

*I do not want to bash any one from back home. Whether or not I see you, or we talk often, it doesn't change the fact that I love you all. Sadly it is just that I do not get to spend my days and nights with you any longer. But I still love you the same.  <3 

Wonderful Meaningful Full circle Wonderful

I have been extremely busy this last week and a half or so. I remember that just about each day has been eventful, but I can not really remember in what way.

Last Wednesday I went with Jenn and Sam to go to a Kina Grannis concert. On our way there we encountered a crosswalk with about 2 seconds remaining for the countdown. So I walked across and Jenn and Sam did as well. When we go across these two Transit Police peeps came over to us and gave us all $100 jaywalking citations. How freaking crazy is that?? It is a civil citation, so it won't show up on any record. But still, $100 is freaking hefty for jaywalking.  After we got the citation we were told that we could go to a public safety class for an hour and pay $25 instead and it would be cleared up. So that is what we are all doing. So next Tuesday night at 6pm I will be watching a safety video and taking it seriously. I mean people die jaywalking all the time... Gosh. The concert though was great though. I really like Kina Grannis, she has a wonderful voice and her songs are amazing. It is nice to hear music that is lyrically stimulating as well as vocally stimulating. Imaginary Friend opened for her. He was great as well. 

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked. 

I talked to my mom on the phone Sunday for Mother's day. It was a great chat.  (:

Monday (yesterday)- I met up with Sam at Coffee Garden to grab an ice coffee, and then we went to the park to go sunbathing. After we did that we went back to my place and chilled for a bit before I had to go to work. On the way to work we stopped at Subway, and got food. Which was really freaking good, and I was so hungry. Then Sam walked me to work. Then I go into work to find out my shift was cut. So I called Sam up and asked if he wanted to hang out because they cut my shift. To which he said "Hell yeah, you are super awesome, I would love to hang out with you! Why would you even ask such a silly question??"   Okay, so what he really said was "sure", but what I heard in my head was the "Hell yeah" one. So we walked back to my place so that I could change into clothes and then went back to the park. After that we hit up 7 Eleven. He wanted to go back, but I really did not, so we went for a walk to Downtown. We walked to the Temple Square at like 230 or so in the morning. We spent so long over there just talking and looking at things. Then we walked up to the capital building. It was beautiful, there is a picture below. It was really late at that point so we walked back to my place. We got there are 5am or so. But we spent pretty much 12 to 13 hours together and it felt like it was just a few hours.

Today- I woke up at 2pm and chatted with Elissa on the phone a bit. I got ready for the day and ate and all that jazz. Then Sam came over a bit past 3pm and we headed to Murray, Utah. I got my voucher from SJV for two new pairs of scrubs and so Sam said he would take me to the place, because he has been there before. So I got my new scrubs, they are a wine color. The ones I have now in black are an XL. So I thought that is what I would need. I tried on the XL pants and shirt in the new ones and they were so big. So I got Large instead. And the best parts are that my shirts have front pockets, I have more pockets, and they were free! After we left there we journeyed our way to Red Lobster. It was so good. Like amazing. I could not eat it all. We got calamari for a starter. And I got a crab linguini alfredo with shrimp and he got the chef's lobster shrimp pasta thing. It was just so good. And they kept the drinks coming. And our server seemed pretty cool. Great weather, wonderful food, and amazing company were the things that made today kick ass. 

All and all I have had a wonderful past few days. And even though I have been working a crap load. Last week I had a 60 hour work week. I am still having a blast. 

Capital Building at night. 

Because this blog is more of an update on my activities there will be another one posted tomorrow about my inner thoughts and feelings of late. 

Whirlwind...

As you may have noticed, I have changed the layout of my blog. The last background I had was of a vehicle driving forward on an open stretch of road that seemed to last forever. At the time of this blog creation I related to that photo very much. I was moving towards unknown endless possibilities. There was an open road that could go anywhere. I am not saying that my life can longer go anywhere, or that I am not still on that road. I still believe that I am that road, and I still moving forward. But this background is one that I find myself relating to more right now.

First off, it is yellow. That is so a given. For me yellow is the color of joy and optimism. Yellow is inviting. It the color that engulfs me in a blanket of warmth. I cannot look at that color without just smiling on the inside. Generally I smile on the outside as well.

And the read streaks running every which way through it also mean something to me. My life feels like it is full of paths I can follow. They all lead to different things, and intersect each other at different points and in different ways. There is so many red lines that just looking at them can be confusing. But when you look at on line, and follow it, you see there are many turning points. Some parts are broad, and full of moving room, while other areas are more defined.

This is my life right now. I have so many paths in front of me. I have so many choices. Any one of them will lead me a certain way. And it is all so confusing, because the possibilities are endless, and I could change lines at any intersection. The path will go anywhere I choose. And I always have the option of taking a new one. I am in a broad part of my life. I have room to move and do my own thing for a bit. But I can see that there is an intersection up ahead. I am not really sure which way I will head. For me, this is where I will be in a year from now. And whatever I decide, I know that for a while my life will become more narrow. I will have to follow that path until a new one comes along. In life I have learned that you cannot really go back, without losing your sanity. Things are never as you left them. You can never have what you had. The only real solution someone has is moving forward. Which is what I am doing. Maybe I am not going as fast as the people around me, but I am moving. A good comparison is to think of it as a river, it seems to move faster when the banks narrow, and slow down when there is more space.

That is where I am. Moving ever so slightly to a choice that I will have to be ready to make in about a year. While I want to be prepared to make the choice that I think will best suit me, I do not want to lose sight of the moment. I have a hard time balancing those two. I either live too much in the moment, or get lost in the future. Plus, I have no way to really know what will suit me in a year, I only know what will suit me now. While I am steadfast in some aspects. I am malleable in others. For the most part I am more malleable than steadfast.

* * *

I was talking to my friend Jess about this (being malleable) once actually. I told her that sometimes I wonder if I am ever really myself around anyone. I seemed to be different around different people. That I wondered if it meant that I did not have an identity, and I just fed off other people's. She told me that she thinks it is wonderful that I can find a way to form around a situation and the people in it. That I have a way of being what people need me to be. She said she doesn't see it as being fake, or having a facade... That all those things seem to be in me, but at times some are more dominating than others. She said that when I was with another friend I was more of a nerd... and when I was with her I was more bubbly and like sunshine. But she could still notice some nerd in me, even though it did not come out as naturally when she was there, it was still always there. At the end she told me that I am not really lying to anyone about who I am, I just let other people's personality bring out qualities in mine that suit theirs well. Which is why I get along with so many people. She called it a gift...

* * *

So in situations where nothing is set in stone or with people I am malleable.

On the other hand. I am more steadfast when my values are being compromised. When I make a promise I do everything in my power to keep it. When I really want something, I do not stop until I have it, or I decided for some reason that I no longer want it (which rarely happens).

Because I do not have a concrete plan for myself in year, I am going to be able to adapt to any path. Therefore I think I will be alright...

So I am not sure if this has all stayed on topic, because I am just going with the flow of my brain. What it all comes down to is that I no longer see the future full of unknown possibilities. I see a future full of detailed possibilities, and any path ahead; I have the power to choose which one to take. 

Died My Hair! Mini Update.

Died My Hair

My hair is still red. Now it is darker. I do not plan on it staying this dark, because the sun will lighten it out. I have three photos that are the originals. Then the same three edited. 

I am overly happy in this, but it is the picture that is truest to my hair color.

I just really like this one. And if I was in the sunlight,  I bet it would look similar to this.

This one is not as true to the color as the first. But it is still a wonderful photo.
My skin color looks good in this.

Contrast meets highlights.
:) 

I love how I look in sepia . I wish I could choose to naturally see everything in this color.
And see in regular color when I want that.

There is something elegant about black and white.
I will admit the picture above would look better in black and white.
But this one did not look as good in sepia.
And let's face it, I am freaking beautiful either way. 

 These are my photo updates. I have a small update for you below. Nothing too special.


Mini Update

Despite the fact that I am going to be super duper tired over the next few days, I am so excited for the money I am going to be making. I have stuff to buy, bills to pay, and I just love having money in my bank account. I am also signing up for a secure credit card at the end of the month.


I just want to say that after writing my last blog post and sleeping I feel so much better. And it is no longer bothering me. Sometimes it is just enough for me to put it out there. Even if the people I want to say it to do not read it. Just saying it is relieving. I spoke with Jenn today over breakfast, and she gave me good advice that I am taking. So if you are worried, please do not be. I know I will be fine. I have to be, because I still have 2/3 of my life left to live. If not longer.

The End!   :)