Whirlwind...

As you may have noticed, I have changed the layout of my blog. The last background I had was of a vehicle driving forward on an open stretch of road that seemed to last forever. At the time of this blog creation I related to that photo very much. I was moving towards unknown endless possibilities. There was an open road that could go anywhere. I am not saying that my life can longer go anywhere, or that I am not still on that road. I still believe that I am that road, and I still moving forward. But this background is one that I find myself relating to more right now.

First off, it is yellow. That is so a given. For me yellow is the color of joy and optimism. Yellow is inviting. It the color that engulfs me in a blanket of warmth. I cannot look at that color without just smiling on the inside. Generally I smile on the outside as well.

And the read streaks running every which way through it also mean something to me. My life feels like it is full of paths I can follow. They all lead to different things, and intersect each other at different points and in different ways. There is so many red lines that just looking at them can be confusing. But when you look at on line, and follow it, you see there are many turning points. Some parts are broad, and full of moving room, while other areas are more defined.

This is my life right now. I have so many paths in front of me. I have so many choices. Any one of them will lead me a certain way. And it is all so confusing, because the possibilities are endless, and I could change lines at any intersection. The path will go anywhere I choose. And I always have the option of taking a new one. I am in a broad part of my life. I have room to move and do my own thing for a bit. But I can see that there is an intersection up ahead. I am not really sure which way I will head. For me, this is where I will be in a year from now. And whatever I decide, I know that for a while my life will become more narrow. I will have to follow that path until a new one comes along. In life I have learned that you cannot really go back, without losing your sanity. Things are never as you left them. You can never have what you had. The only real solution someone has is moving forward. Which is what I am doing. Maybe I am not going as fast as the people around me, but I am moving. A good comparison is to think of it as a river, it seems to move faster when the banks narrow, and slow down when there is more space.

That is where I am. Moving ever so slightly to a choice that I will have to be ready to make in about a year. While I want to be prepared to make the choice that I think will best suit me, I do not want to lose sight of the moment. I have a hard time balancing those two. I either live too much in the moment, or get lost in the future. Plus, I have no way to really know what will suit me in a year, I only know what will suit me now. While I am steadfast in some aspects. I am malleable in others. For the most part I am more malleable than steadfast.

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I was talking to my friend Jess about this (being malleable) once actually. I told her that sometimes I wonder if I am ever really myself around anyone. I seemed to be different around different people. That I wondered if it meant that I did not have an identity, and I just fed off other people's. She told me that she thinks it is wonderful that I can find a way to form around a situation and the people in it. That I have a way of being what people need me to be. She said she doesn't see it as being fake, or having a facade... That all those things seem to be in me, but at times some are more dominating than others. She said that when I was with another friend I was more of a nerd... and when I was with her I was more bubbly and like sunshine. But she could still notice some nerd in me, even though it did not come out as naturally when she was there, it was still always there. At the end she told me that I am not really lying to anyone about who I am, I just let other people's personality bring out qualities in mine that suit theirs well. Which is why I get along with so many people. She called it a gift...

* * *

So in situations where nothing is set in stone or with people I am malleable.

On the other hand. I am more steadfast when my values are being compromised. When I make a promise I do everything in my power to keep it. When I really want something, I do not stop until I have it, or I decided for some reason that I no longer want it (which rarely happens).

Because I do not have a concrete plan for myself in year, I am going to be able to adapt to any path. Therefore I think I will be alright...

So I am not sure if this has all stayed on topic, because I am just going with the flow of my brain. What it all comes down to is that I no longer see the future full of unknown possibilities. I see a future full of detailed possibilities, and any path ahead; I have the power to choose which one to take.