After working at St. Jo's I feel a strong sense of accomplishment. Being a CNA is not the most glorious job. I wipe up crap from old people who don't even know when they are shitting. And the same with their pee. For the ones who do know, and can go to the bathroom, I still have to wipe up after them. A majority of the time I leave with something disgusting on my scrubs, and I have the deepest desire to shower for an hour or so. Despite how gross it is. I still feel like I have helped someone. I did something to make someone's life better before they die. I mean how often can someone say that they made the end of someone's life more dignifying before death? And the thing is, I have so much respect for my residents. They are full of so much wisdom. And imagine all the good they have done for the world. They have have their entire lifetime to do so many wonderful things, and start chain reaction where other people do wonderful things because of them. After adding up those collective good deeds and years between them, how can you not have respect for all of those wonderful thing.
When I work at the Art Galley I gain the desire to be at a different place. Not physically, but in a sense spiritually or emotionally. I think I am out of touch with the world around me. Working there I feel the need to be more connected to things. It gives me something to strive for. Also it reinforces my goals to go into the profession I want to. I love working retail, but I do not think that is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Not that I do not have respect for Leslie (my boss). I have the utmost respect for her, and I love working under her. Her passion for what she does reminds me that I want to have that passion for what I do. I do not want to spend every day of my life working a career that I have no passion for. I was talking to Sam about this Monday night. I would rather be borderline poor and doing what it is I have a passion for and feel like I am meant to do, then go into something that will pay well and I am fairly good at, but have no passion for. I can tell how much Leslie really cares about what it is she does, and this store. I want that. Even if my yearly salary is a comma or so behind what others have.
When I am alone it is a mix. For the record I am not alone often. Sometimes I just do not know what it is I am doing. My heart feels like it is pumping just enough blood to get me through until the next day. I feel like all the passion has been drained from my veins, and I am just hollow. I have the faintest desire to curl up into a ball, crawl underground and just let eternity pass over me. I feel more than just physically alone. Other times though I am so on top of the world. I will just dance around in my room. In moments such as those I do not understand how I could ever feel any other way. For the record being on top of the world is just as common as feeling hollow. I think that is why I try to not be alone. And when I find myself alone, I sleep. I am generally really tired anyways, and I love sleeping. Also watching Netflix, reading, and researching things is a great way to take my mind off of feeling badly. And therefore, I think I can confidently say, it is actually not just as common, I think it is far less frequent than how I feel when I am dancing around my room like a white girl.
When I am with my friends I feel as if everything is just right with the world. Not in a weird sketch way either. It is just that I am having so much fun and I am so happy that I do not see how life was meant to turn out any other way. Even when I can get slightly pissy and moody, or I am uncharacteristically quiet. Just seeing Jenn or Sam I feel that way, like everything fell perfectly into place. It is hard to put into words. But I feel like my life is right where it needs to be. At this moment in time, this is where I should be, these are the people I should be with. This is who I am. And I absolutely love all of it. How can I not? No matter what I am doing, I am having fun. I am happy. I am with people I love, who I know love me.
I think that is really all I feel. I mean I feel really tired a lot. I work a lot. But all and all, I am happy. I love who I am. I love the woman I see myself becoming. I see a wonderful future in front of me. Paved with hard work, old people's bodily waste, struggles, laughs, good friends, exhaustion, and hope. And maybe some really hot guys. (;
*I do not want to bash any one from back home. Whether or not I see you, or we talk often, it doesn't change the fact that I love you all. Sadly it is just that I do not get to spend my days and nights with you any longer. But I still love you the same. <3
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