I Won't Give Up.

Okay. So while the primary focus of this blog is to keep everyone updated. This post is really for myself. I need to just get this out. Because I need to be completely honest with myself, I am being completely honest with whoever is reading this.

I decided to stop taking my medication. I know this is risky. I know it can have some serious negative repercussions. I am well aware. The thing is, I am not scared. I know how I feel. I am so happy with my life. I finally feel like I am where I should be. For the first time in my life, I am not worried about my future and where I am going. Because I see all of these positive things ahead of me. I really believe I can make it work this time. And well, to be honest, I hate having to to medication to be happy. I disagree with the notion that I will never be happy if I am not taking medication. And for the past month I have been fine. Adama's death was hard on me. But I made my way through it without the crutch of medication. Though I did have the help of good friends.  I know I go through this cycle all the time. I take medication and I am fine, and then I stop and stay fine, then I start to decline and go back on the medication. But I cannot give up hope. A medicated world is not one I want to live in. And I know if I ever stop going through this cycle and stay on medication, that is when I lose hope for my future. I know to someone who has never heard a professional say to them "you will never be happy on your own" this sounds silly. It is like, if you know there is going to be a decline why stop? What is the point? Why put yourself and your loved ones at risk? And I do not expect anyone to understand, if you do, that is wonderful, but I am not asking that of anyone. It is just there is always a chance of relapse, on medication and off. Either way I live my life, I am going to relapse. Medication does not save me from that. It may make it occur less often, but I will still face it. For anyone who knows me, I am super optimistic, and hopeful in everything. That is how I live my life. And I cannot and will not give that up.

I found this website BipolarAssociation.org. I got this off of their blog.

"There are two main reasons for coming off medication – you no longer need it, or you are finding the side effects outweigh any benefits from taking it."

"Make sure your life is as good as it can be and that your original problems have resolved."

"In conclusion, brains have been around for millions of years, very few mental health conditions are due to of a lack of medication. Nonetheless, medication can help get us through bad times. If you want to come off medication, everything else in your life needs to be right from your physical health to being happy within yourself."

They recognize that there is a point where you no longer need medication. I think my problems have been resolved. They stemmed from the neglect of my mother, and events that happened while I was growing up. The second time, had a lot to do with Zack. And I have forgiven all parties. And three out of the four people are no longer involved in my life. As I said above I am happy with my life. I am happy with who I am. And I think moving away and starting a life of my own has really helped. And if any of that changes. Then I can go back on my medication.

I am trying to get a full time position so I can get health insurance through my work. I got denied from a private company because of preexisting conditions (in other words, because I am bipolar). I have a feeling that is going to happen with every company I call. With health insurance I am going to try to go to therapy. And if it gets bad enough, I can always travel to this place in Murray to get really cheap therapy. At the moment it is not worth the time and money to get there, but I have options.

I did not quit my medication cold turkey, because that can result in a relapse in three months. I tapered myself off. I read up on how to tapper off, and followed a specific plan. I know not being under the supervision of a professional is not the best idea, but I did everything I could to do it right. And I talked to my former doctor about how to go back on. The dose amount I need to start with and how much to increase by every week and two weeks. So if I do go back on, I will be doing that the right way as well. I did my best to be smart about this.

Since I was diagnosed, I have accept that I have an illness. Something in my life that I may have to face time and time again. I was okay with that. But there is no a single ounce of proof that says it is a life long illness, or something that I need to let control my life. And to be honest. There is not a lot of anything on Bipolar Disorder at all. No real known cause, or anything. There is just not enough known about it for someone to give me a life sentence. And about 2 months ago when I decided I wanted to come off medication, I did research and found out that people can do it. And have healthy well functioning lives.

So there it is. I am off. I am happy. And I am going to do my best to stay that way.